Baby Avengers: Adoption Agency AU
by aspecialkindofhuman
Summary: Baby!Avengers AU: Nick Fury recently adopted a child and is looking to adopt more. It's just dialogue (cause its more fun that way)! Hope you like it!
1. Meet the Family

So here's a little Baby Avengers AU I made up in the shower. It's just a short little dialogue, but I thought it was fun, so I hope you like it! (Oh, PS, I had kind of an old southern lady vibe gonna in my head when I wrote the women's part, so you might want to keep that in mind as you read)

**DISCLAIMER**: I wish I owned the Avengers franchise, but sadly I don't. Marvel does. So these aren't my characters. Enjoy!

* * *

"Avengers Adoption Agency, how may I help you?"

"Hi. My name is Nick Fury. I recently adopted a child from your agency. His name was Phil Coulson . . .?"

"Oh, yes! Phil! What a lovely boy! So sweet and kind. He was such a lovely little man. Is he working out okay? So polite, that one."

"Yeah, he's doing just fine. He's my first kid, and I don't have a wife around the house, so he's a little lonely right now."

"Oh, yes. That happens often. He'll just need some time to adjust, that's all."

"Well, actually, I was calling to see if I could adopt another kid. To give him a friend, you know?"

"Oh, well, um. That sounds great! But, um, is your work stable enough to, uh, _support_ multiple children?"

"My work is doing fine, ma'am. Thanks for asking."

"I was only –"

"I am gainfully employed in a high-ranking government agency now if you wouldn't mind, Phil mentioned a few names to me the other day and I'd like to ask you a couple questions about these kids."

"Well, okay, then, Mr. Fury. Fire away!"

"Do you know a Steve Rogers?"

"Steve! Oh, yes! Everyone knows Steve! He's just about the kindest little thing I've ever met. So sweet and polite. He has more chivalry as a little boy than I see in most men these days!"

"Yeah, Phil mentioned him quite fondly."

"If I remember correctly, your Phil quite admired Steve. They were close, those two. Phil always followed Steve around. Even tried to dress like him once! You should have seen it, it was the cutest thing!"

"I'm sure it was, ma'am."

"Oh and Steve loved little Phil. Always kept him close to try to protect him. Poor boy was always getting picked on for being scrawny, but Steve made sure not to let the bullies get him down."

"How old is he now?"

"Why, he turned thirteen just last month. We gave him the cutest little birthday party! Oh, he was so happy, you could just tell!"

"Phil also mentioned a boy named Tony . . .?"

"Tony Stark?"

"Yeah, that sounds right."

"Yes, Phil and Tony got along . . . _nicely_."

"From what he tells me, they didn't speak much."

"No, not at all! Tony is quite moody and he lashed out at Phil a few times. Not on purpose, I don't think. It was the wrong place, wrong time, kind of thing."

"How old is he?"

"Tony? He's, um, I think – let me check my records – let's see . . . oh, he turns sixteen in a few days. Yes, moody is a great word for him. He likes Steve well enough and he and Bruce get along famously, but he is . . . he can be . . . rather, _troubled_, at times."

"You mentioned a Bruce . . .?"

"Oh, yes. Bruce Banner. I don't think you want to hear about him."

"Excuse me?"

"He's one of our worst cases. Can't find a decent home, that boy."

"And just what are you implying, ma'am?"

"Oh, I'm not implying anything! All I'm saying is that the last three homes to adopt him have dropped him like a hot potato after a few months."

"And why do you think that is?"

"Bruce doesn't play well with others. He's kind of sullen – very similar to Tony in that regard – and he gets incredibly angry over the simplest things. But other than that he's very quiet. It's really incredible to watch him get angry. It's almost like he, he . . . he _transforms_ into this totally different person. It's incredible, just incredible."

"Phil seemed to like him."

"Yes, Phil did like him. So did Steve. But nobody but Tony really got close to Bruce: most kids were just too scared of him."

"Why do you think he and Tony get along so well?"

"Well, they're both pretty sulky . . . oh and they are both _incredibly_ gifted students. Smartest kids in the bunch, those two. You should hear them talk sometimes. Tony's a few years older than Bruce, so he's a couple years ahead in school, but, boy, those two can talk each other's ears off about gamma rays and mathematical equations and clean energy sources . . . It's really amazing."

"How old is Bruce?"

"He's nine. Almost ten. But wicked smart for his age. Was there anyone else Phil mentioned?"

"Ummm . . . oh yeah, do you have a Natasha and Clint by any chance?"

"Oh, you mean the twins! Yes, those two are _a-dor-a-ble_! Never see one without the other!"

"And they are . . .?"

"They just turned three. They can't speak English real well, but do love talking in – what is it? – it's like they're own language. It almost sounds like Russian, but I know it can't be because neither of them are from Russia . . . Well, I think they're not from Russia."

". . . You don't know?"

"Well, see . . . they're not actually twins. We just call them that because they're so inseparable. We actually have no idea where they came from. They just kind of appeared on the doorstop one day and we took them in . . . I guess they could be from Russia and we'd never know . . . But anyway, those two are abba-dabba-dorable. And they're definitely a joint package, if you know what I mean."

". . . Okay."

"Do you have any more questions, Mr. Fury?"

"Just a few more: do you still have Thor Loki with you?"

"Thor Loki? That name doesn't sound familiar."

"It doesn't?"

"Thor Loki, Thor Loki . . . Oh! You must mean Thor _and_ Loki. Yes, we have both Thor and Loki with us. They're brothers."

"Oh, sorry. Phil only mentioned their names together so I just kind of figured it was one person."

"Yes, Thor and Loki are brothers, but they are two incredibly different people. Thor is a vivacious little lad and his brother . . . well, he's _quiet_."

"Quiet?"

"He kind of hates his brother."

". . . Okayy."

"I really don't know why. It was nothing Thor did – at least, nothing he did while he's been with us. Thor's been on his best behavior since he arrived. He's a little rowdy and he snores pretty loudly, but he's actually a very good kid; he has a lot of heart."

"What about his brother?"

"Loki's a little rascal. They're moments when he's just as bright and happy as his brother, but those moments are few and far between."

"He sounds interesting."

"If I didn't know better, I'd say he and Thor aren't related at all, that's how different they are!"

"How old are those two?"

"Thor's nine and his brother is seven."

"Sounds like you've got the handful, ma'am."

"Oh, yes! They keep me quite busy, I assure you! So, which ones would you be interest in adopting."

"All of them."

". . . Come again?"

"I would like to adopt them all."

"All of them?"

"All of them."

". . ."

". . ."

". . ."

"You still there, ma'am?"

"I'll have the paperwork ready within the hour."


	2. Babysitter

Sooooo a couple people asked for another so here it is! YAY! Umm, so for this one I put Nick Fury at about 48 years of age (based on the 1965 update by Stan Lee that put him in the present - source Wikipedia) and I added some Russian for Clint/Natasha. (The translation is from Google Translate, so I'm sorry if it's not the real translation.  
**Let me repeat: THE TRANSLATION IS FROM GOOGLE TRANSLATE SO I APOLOGIZE MOST SINCERELY IF IT'S INCORRECT**. Kay. Keep that in mind.  
Anyway . . . hope you like it and if you do, tell me what you think :) I may or may not update, depends on whether or not I get another idea for it. Kay. Read on

* * *

Baby!Avengers and the Babysitter

"Daddy?"

"Yeah, Phil."

"There's someone at the door, daddy."

"Oh good God. What now?"

"She's _preetty_, daddy."

"What does she want?"

"I dunno. She didn't want to talk to me. She wants to talk to you."

"Did you let her in?"

"No, daddy. I'm not stupid. You told me not to talk to strangers."

"Is she still there?"

". . . Yes, daddy."

"Who's she talking to?"

"Tony, daddy."

"Is that why I hear so much screaming?"

"No, daddy. That's Thor and Loki."

"What are they doing _now_?"

"Loki tried to cut Thor's hair while he took a nap."

"He did what now?"

"It didn't work too well, though. Loki got shocked pretty badly."

"Shocked?"

"Static electricity, daddy. Bruce and Tony told me all about it."

"You wanna be a scientist now, Phil?"

"Yes, daddy."

"I thought you wanted to go into the military, like me."

". . . Can I do both?"

"Hey, eye-patch!"

"What, Tony?"

"There's some lady at the door asking for you."

"Thanks, Tony. I'll keep that in mind."

"She's pretty hot."

"Don't you start with me."

"Mr. Fury!"

"For the last time, Steve. If you're not going to call me dad, at least call me Nick."

"Yes sir, Mr. Fury."

_*sigh*_ "What's up, Steve?"

"Tony wanted me to tell you there's someone at the door."

"Oh for the love of –"

". . . He also wanted me to tell you that she's . . . _extremely good-looking_."

"Ooh, small soldier's blushing!"

"That's not very nice, Tony."

"You don't like the nickname? I can change it. Let's see here . . . mini-soldier, tiny soldier, _minuscule_ soldier."

"I'm not that much shorter than you, Tony."

"Yeah, I know." _*sigh*_ "Someday, you'll be taller than me. But you better believe I'm going to make your life a living hell until then."

"TONY!"

"Yeah, eye-patch."

"Watch your language, young man."

"Suck my –"

"Я ненавижу тебя идти умирать!" (*Russian - I hate you go die*)

"Natassshhhhaa."

"Оставь меня в покое вы, кусок дерьма!" (*Russian - Leave me alone, you piece of shit*)

"I loooovveeee youuuuuuu."

"Oh God. When did they wake up?"

"Shortly after Thor and Loki, Mr. Fury, sir."

"_I told you_, call me Nick."

"идти умирать! идти умирать, идти умирать, идти умирать!" (*Russian - go die x 4*)

_*heavy sigh*_ "I can't do this anymore, Phil."

"Mr. Fury, sir?"

"What did I _just say_, Steve?"

"Tony's letting the woman in."

"He's _what_!?"

"Do you want me to stop him, daddy?"

"Nick Fury?"

"Yeah, that's me."

"Hello. My name is Maria Hill. I'm here about the ad you put in the paper."

". . . An ad?"

"You put in ad in the paper, daddy? For what?"

"A babysitter, eye-patch? Really? Don't you think I'm old enough to watch everyone by myself?"

"Son, look at me. I am 48 years old and I can't watch over these kids by myself."

"Maybe you're just incompetent."

"Maybe you should just shut your mouth."

"I think I would be a good babysitter for your kids, Mr. Fury."

"Are you certified?"

"Yes, sir."

"In what?"

"CPR, First-Aid, Oxygen, and Lifeguard Training."

"So we'd be safe at the pool. Great, eye-patch. Well done."

"Steve?"

"Yes, sir?"

"I give you full permission to hit your brother."

". . . I'm afraid I can't do that, sir."

"And just why the _hell_ not?"

"Watch your language, eye-patch."

"That's it, Tony . . ."

"I'm afraid I have to concur with the rude teen."

"Well, excuse me, Miss Maria Hill. But I didn't ask for your opinion, did I?"

"I'm simply thinking about what's best for the children, sir."

"Well, _gooood_ for you."

"Are you going away, daddy?"

"No, Phil. I'm just thinking about how much work I have, that's all."

"I don't want you to go away, daddy. I'll help you with your work."

"That's very sweet of you, Phil. But I don't think you can help me with this kind of work."

"Mr. Fury, sir?"

"Yeah, Steve?"

"If we get a babysitter, can I get a punching bag?"

"Say _what now_?"

"He wants a punching bag, eye-patch. He's been asking about it for weeks."

"Really?"

"Well, he's only been asking me. But since I don't have any money . . ."

"You've got plenty of money, Tony. Don't think I haven't seen that stockpile at the bottom of your sock drawer."

". . . I don't know what you're talking about, eye-patch."

"MAN OF FURY!"

"Ohhhh god."

"MAN OF FURY! LOKI IS MAD AT ME AGAIN!"

"Why, Thor?"

"He says I shocked him."

"Did you?"

"Not on purpose."

"Loki!"

". . . "

"Loki!"

". . ."

"LOKI, YOU MISCHEVIOUS LITTLE SHIT, GET YOUR ASS DOWN HERE RIGHT NOW!"

"_*cough cough*_ Language! _*cough cough*_"

"Shut your mouth, Tony."

"Nick Fury, sir?"

"Yes, Miss Hill."

". . . How did you wind up with this many children?"

*points to Phil* "Blame him."

"Me, daddy?"

"Yes, you."

"What do you want, tiny man?"

"Excuse me?"

"What do you want, _Father_?"

"You don't have to call me that, Loki."

"You want Steven to call you that."

"I want _Steve_ to call me something other than _sir_ or _Mr. Fury_."

"But you don't want me to call you that."

"You can call me whatever the hell you want, Loki. I honestly don't give a damn."

"Eloquently put, little man."

"Except that. You can't call me that."

"Make up your mind, Father, dear. I'm getting tired of this game."

"Be nice to your brother. There. Done. Go play."

*evil hiss* _"Make me, tiny man."_

"LOOKII! COME BACK!"

"Still want to be my babysitter, Miss Hill?"

". . . Well . . . I, um . . ."

"мой паук! мой паук! мой паук!" (*Russian - my spider*)

"That's Clint. Right there. And the red-head he's chasing is Natasha. You've already met Thor and Loki – their brothers."

"Really . . .?"

"This is Phil, right here. He's my little angel."

"Aww, daddy!"

"Gross. Get a room."

"That smart-mouth is Tony and the blonde next to him is Steve. Bruce should be around here somewhere . . ."

"He's in the backyard, eye-patch."

". . . Why?"

"Throwing rocks at squirrels."

". . . Why?"

"Loki made him angry."

"Ah."

"Is that . . . all of them?"

"Yeah, I think so. Still want to babysit them?"

"Well . . ."

"She can stay, eye-patch. I _like_ her."

"Don't be a creep, Tony."

"I like her too, sir."

"Not you too, Steve."

"Excuse me? Miss Hill?"

"Umm . . . yes, Phil?"

"Can I call you mama?"

"Umm . . ."

"мой паук! I caught you!" (*Russian - my spider*)

"CLINT!"

"MAN OF FURY! LOKI'S MAD AGAIN!"

"Mama?"

"Ma'am? I would like a punching bag."

"Maria, can I call you that? Steven wants a punching bag and I want another arc reactor."

"Miss Hill?"

"Yes, Mr. Fury?"

"They like you."

"Oh. Good?"

"You're hired."


	3. New Neighbors

So this one is for all the cute OTPs from the movies and stuff. Like Jane and Thor, Steve and Peggy (although this time, its not the lovely relationship they had in Captain America) and Tony and Pepper. So this is the normal OTPS not the Steve x Tony and stuff (which I still ship, don't worry). Anyway, on with the story! Hope you like and tell me what you think!

* * *

Baby!Avengers and the New Neighbors

"Daddy?"

". . . "

"Daddy!"

". . ."

"DADDY, WAKE UP!"

"GAH! I'm awake, Phil. I'm awake. Good God, now why you got wake your old man up like that?"

"There's someone at the door, Daddy."

"Again! Get Ms. Hill to handle it."

"She's off today, Daddy, remember. You promised here a few days off at the end of the month so she didn't go _crazy_! He he!"

"That's right. I did. Now why in the hell would I do a thing like that?"

* * *

"Tony? Just who are you talking to?"

"Hey, eye-patch! Philly-boy! Come meet the new neighbors!"

"Uh, hi?"

"Hello, there. You must be Nick Fury! Your son Steve has told me so much about you!"

"He did?"

"Oh, yes. He's a fine young chap. Best I've ever seen. So polite, too."

"Steve?"

"Yes, Mr. Fury, sir?"

"I believe you have some introducing to do."

"Oh, yes, sir. Mr. Fury, sir. This is Ms. Peggy Carter. Ms. Carter, this is my father, Mr. Nick Fury."

"Nice to meet you."

"Likewise. So . . . how much have you and Steve been talking?"

"Oh, quite a lot! He comes over with Tony a lot to chat. He seems to have quite an interest in the military! And he's so focused and determined. It's really awe-inspiring."

"Yes, thank you. I've noticed that as well. He's strong-willed, my Steve."

"Ms. Carter has a punching bag in her basement."

"Oooooohh. I see now. So how much _chatting_ do you guys actually do? Or is straight down to basic training?"

*laughs nervously* "I was in the military core at one time, Mr. Fury. And your Steve seemed to express quite an interest in it . . ."

"Mmhmm. Say, can I see this punching bag of yours? I'm not really sure which kind to get Steve."

"Hey, eye-patch! I'd like you to meet someone."

"Oh, yeah, Tony? Who's that?"

"This, my good man, is Miss Pepper Potts. Isn't she a dear?"

"Stop it, Tony. You're so embarrassing."

"Oh, you like it."

"Pepper is my daughter, Mr. Fury."

"You have kids, Ms. Carter?"

"Two. Pepper here is the oldest. Just turned fifteen, this one."

"Hey, Pepper. I'm Nick Fury."

"Hi, Mr. Fury."

"Aww, don't be so shy, Pepper. The eye-patch may make him look like a big scary old man, but he's really just a teddy bear with claws."

"It's nice to meet you, Mr. Fury. Tony talks about you a lot."

"Favorably, I hope."

"You know me, eye-patch!"

"I'd say at least 12 percent of the time. On a good day. But I'm sure you're _much_ nicer than he makes you out to be . . ."

"Uh huh."

"Sorry, eye-patch. Gotta scram. Pepper and I have a hot date."

"We do?"

"We do now."

"Tony!"

"Pepper!"

*fading into the distance* "I can't _believe_ you, Tony! You do the _craziest_ things sometimes!"

"Just roll with it, babe! I'm going to be rich someday and then I'll build a skyscraper with my name on it. Nobody will be able to question me then."

"And I'll be the one holding the lease!"

"That's my girl!"

"I'm really sorry about him, Ms. Carter."

"No, no, it's fine. Overall, he's seems like a fine kid and Pepper's happy with him."

"And who's this hiding behind your leg?"

"Jane. Come out and say hello. These are our new neighbors. Don't you want to meet them?"

"Hi, Jane! My name's Nick Fury."

*really small voice* "I'm Jane."

"HI, JANE!"

"What the –!?"

"MAN OF FURY, THIS IS THE GIRL I WAS TALKING TO YOU ABOUT!"

"Thor! Put a lid on it! You're going to scare her away!"

"Oh. Oh. Sorry, Man of Fury."

"So this is the girl you said you saw outside your window?"

"Yes." *turns to Jane* "You were on the roof the other day looking at the stars through a telescope, were you not?"

"Jane! You were on the roof!?"

"Yes."

"I saw you through my window."

"Jane! I told you not to –!"

"May I ask you a question, Lady Jane?"

"You already did."

"May I ask you another?"

*giggles* "Sure."

"Why are you so interested in stars?"

"I want to study them when I'm older."

"Why?"

"Jane wants to become an astronaut."

"Sounds interesting, Miss Jane."

"NO! That's not it at all! I _told you_, I don't want to become an astronaut!"

"Be quiet, Man of Fury. Do not interrupt."

"I want to discover things. New worlds. New planets. Life among the stars."

"Right. You want to be an astronaut."

"It's different, Mom. You wouldn't understand."

"Wow. She's pouty."

"She gets like this a lot. Jane, love, if you don't behave then we'll have to go home."

"But, Mom!"

"Jane!"

"And who is this mewling quim?"

"LOKI!"

"Sorry, Father, dearest, I didn't mean to offend."

"What did he just call my daughter?"

"He, umm, he called her a . . . you know what? It doesn't matter. Apologize, Loki!"

"Why should I?"

"Because I said so!"

"I'm afraid, I'm going to need a bit more encouragement than that."

"APOLOGIZE, BROTHER!"

"THOR! Let go of him! You're choking him!"

*gasps* "_I-I-I'm_ *cough* _s-sorry_!"

"Thank you, brother."

"You're mean."

"I'll take that as a compliment, you puny girl."

"Oh, yeah? Then take THIS!"

"Jane, NO! JANE! DON'T PUNCH HIM!"

"HAHAHAHA! That _puny girl_ just socked you in the jaw, brother! How did it feel?"

"Oooh. *menacing* _I like her_."

"Daddy?"

"Yes, Phil?"

"Natasha's playing with Bruce again."

"Again? Really?"

"She's climbing all over his back and he's chasing after her."

"Where's Barton?"

"Sleeping, daddy."

"Good. He'd throw a fit if he saw them."

"NAATTAAASSSHHHAAAA!"

*sigh* "I'm too old for this crap."

"Hey, what's this?"

"Phil! Don't take stuff that doesn't belong to you!"

"Oooh. Look at all this! Do you like stars, strange lady?"

"Phil, this is Jane. Jane, Phil."

"GIVE IT BACK!"

"But I just want to looookkk."

"IT'S MINE!"

"Phil! Give Lady Jane back her book."

"But, Thor . . .!"

"Here is your book, Lady Jane. I apologize for my brother's rude contact."

*sniffs* "Which one?"

"Both."

". . . Thanks."

"You're very welcome."

". . ."

". . ."

"Do you want to look at the drawings in my book?"

"Only if you wish, Lady Jane."

"I'll show you."

"Can I come along? _Plllleassseee_!"

"Only if you promise not to take my stuff."

"I promise."

"The pathetic man is crossing his fingers behind his back, mewling quim. Just thought you'd want to know."

"LOKI!"

"How do you deal with them, Mr. Fury?"

"Long nights and lots of alcohol, Ms. Carter. Speaking of which, can I offer you a drink?"

"Just tea, thank you."

"Tea it is."


End file.
